By Ian Hamilton
Baird invented TV. Do not believe the dismal message it presently conveys. All we have to do when we’re short of money is print more. It isn’t economics. It is alchemy.
This is clear from the language of the economists. Ask them where the money came from and they can’t tell you. Ask them where it went and they say toxic debt. These are two meaningless words. Money is hocus pocus. Instead of money we’ve got wealth. We are rich.
We have got DNA. It will explain mankind to mankind. We have the new medicine which makes me as curious at eighty-three as I was at eighteen. We have the Boson* particle. We created it in algebraic formulae. It is the ultimate x. To find out what x = we have built a mechanical circle. It is so large it overlaps two countries. In it things pass one another at twice the speed of light. When they collide we will find out something, or not as the case may be. To spend billions on a question mark in an algebraic formula is either mad or magnificent. This is the elevation of the human spirit higher than the elevation of the Host. Who needs cash?
Look about you and you will see wealth. In the last twenty-five years more houses have been built than ever before. Post-imperial India now flaunts the magnificence of its wealth. England would be better off as India’s colony. Come nearer home and the Irish have rehoused their peasants. From mud huts to houses with baths to keep the turfs in, begorra, there they are! Money may go but the houses will stay. In fact we’ve never had it so good.
The comparison is with Elizabethan England. They didn’t have much money either. Look at Tony Blair. Think of that smile and the duplicitous mind it hides. Here we have another Earl of Essex striding among the cast of Coronation Street, scattering pearls from the recesses of his doublet slashed with gold. The pearls will only be painted beads but that’s Tony Blair. Then he wages war across the seas and on his return is executed, not on the block but worse. He is cut off from all publicity. As the money supply dwindles the dangers of Tudor times are with us again. Is Rumsfeld safe? Will the hand of history touch his head as surely as it took Raleigh’s? Even the tiny cries of Brown and Darling are not to be heeded or noted. We know that they know as little as we know. Debt rules. Jehovah is gone! All change! The greatness of the change shows in small things. A pilot crashing to his death cries, ‘Mayday. Mayday. Oh fuck!’ And no one thinks it odd. Instead of God we have a universal word. And, fuck me! At last we can use it freely.
Yet even as we accept this new freedom we feel the fetters of Puritanism. The rulers we voted for are powerless. Does anyone know the difference between Parliament and Government? Does anyone care? Instead TV stars enforce their obtuse unlettered prejudices. Correctness rules! Richard Attenborough tells us that the increase in the human population is threatening the habitat of our television wildlife. This is accepted without comment. Reality is television. TV is without sin.
Sin has been abolished and a good thing too. God now comes out of the Bible very badly. Oh the poor sodomites of Sodom! And some of them would be united in Christian marriage! Nay some of them were ministers and bishops! And all their savings burned up as though they owned shares in the Royal Bank of Scotland. Never mind that Sodom’s only virtuous survivor got drunk and shagged his daughters. God’s rebuilt Sodom. He’s said He’s sorry. Everything’s now OK.
Meanwhile round and round the Boson ring the mighty atoms fly. Will they collide? Will the algebraic x be discovered? Will we all meet God and win the lottery?
How lucky we are to be alive in this brave new world!
What is going to happen next?
When it does happen, remember! You read it here first.
*Had he not died James Clerk Maxwell might have discovered the Boson particle. He set the exam question below in verse he so often used.
ON THE ACCELERATION OF PARTICLES.
Gin a body meet a body
Flying through the air,
Gin a body hit a body
It will end up where?
I wait for the Boson accelerator to give us the answer.