Ian Hamilton QC

The capital of Secunterland is called Strataburgh. It is called that because the people there live in layers. In Strataburgh  your layer is forever determined by the school you went to. Despite this some impostors try to climb up by imitating top people’s accent. Thus while in other parts when you ask someone what school they went to you’re safe. Not in Strataburgh. ‘Humphrey!’ say the products of the Great Strataburgh Schools in mockery of your Scottish accent. This MSP’s experience may illustrate what living in Strataburgh is all about.

While passing one of the Great Schools he heard this conversation from the boys’ lavatory.

 ‘It’s bigger than yours.’ said a voice in an accent that was undoubtedly unmodified Humphrey.

 ‘No it’s not. It’s much smaller,’ came the other voice in clear Great School.

 ‘Bigger.’
 ‘Smaller.’

 ‘Bigger.’
 ‘Smaller.’

And thus the conversation continued and the MSP left them to it. Boys will be boys.

At this point the Heidie and the Deputy Heidie of the Great School came by.

 ‘I thought we had stopped that,’ said the Heidie.

 ‘No,’ said his deputy. ‘Until the parents objected we we’re trying to stop sodomy.’

 The Heidie went into the lavatory and in a moment reappeared, dragging two schoolboys.

 ‘Was it that then?’ asked his deputy.

 ‘Much worse than anything we ever thought,’ said the Heidie. ‘We should never have started that economics class.’

 ‘Bigger’, shouted the Scots boy in a last moment of defiance.

 ‘This is a flogging matter,’ said the Heidie. ‘This Humphry has the cheek to say Secunterland’s GNP is bigger than Seconderland’s.’

The flogging began there and then.

Meanwhile the MSP returned. ‘Was it sodomy after all?’ he asked.

 ‘Much worse, said the Heidie. ‘This Humphry has the cheek to say that Secunterland’s GNP is greater than Seconderland’s.’

 ‘Flog him until the blood flows,’ said the MSP.

 ‘I can’t make out your accent,’ said the Heidie. ‘What school did you go to?’

The MSP shrank until there was only a pool of slime on the pavement. From the pool of slime came a whisper. ‘Humphry Glasgow.’

Meanwhile the blood flowed from the boy’s back and the flogging went on, and on, and on.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 5th, 2012 at 7:02 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.